Am I A Golf Widow?

Golf, Lifestyle

Posted by Justine S, February 19, 2008 - 5:24 pm

Editor’s Note: DeepSlant welcomes aboard Justine S.  Justine will be providing frequent first person accounts throughout the golf season.

Golf widow - A woman whose husband leaves her for long periods of time to play golf.

Let me begin by saying there are worse things for a person to have an affinity for i.e. drugs, gambling, late night reveling, Star Trek or Barry Manilow.

I recently got married; a wonderful man, great family, a smile that lights up my life, etc.  But from the start there was always one thing that could occupy his time more than I could…golf.  Upon my announcement to my mother that we were engaged the first words out of her mouth besides, “Congratulations, mazel tov!” were, “You know you’ll become a Golf Widow.” Golf Widow? I had never really heard that term before much less been called one.

So I began to think. Am I a golf widow? What does that mean? Does that still exist today?  In an age where women are CEO’s, work weekends, tend to a family, and mow the lawn?

I do not play golf, but I have worked in golf since college.  My father and my uncle are both proshop owners.  I was the event coordinator at Winged Foot Golf Club for the 2006 U.S. Open Championship.  Now I am in Sports Marketing specializing in Golf for American Express. So, needless to say, I understand the game. But my spare time is not spent on the fairway or in the rough.  I am fortunate in that through my work I have broken bread with Jackie Burke, walked with Tiger Woods side-by side at Oakmont Country Club during a practice round, and worked with Jim Nantz, Gary Player, and Jack Nicklaus.  My husband is a U.S. Amateur contestant himself. Golf surrounds me, it has brought me much joy, and as a matter of fact, it’s how I met my husband.  So I chuckle to myself at the irony.  How could I possibly be a golf widow? I am surrounded by golf every day! “En-golfed”, if you will.

Am I a golf widow because I don’t play golf like my husband does?  My husband plays about 3-4 times a week in season (not counting days where he plays 36 holes), and not just in New York but in other parts of the world, in Florida, North Carolina, Colorado, and Korea. And with this type of schedule our “family time” is frequently interrupted by his desire to play.

Now, if I was a wife in the 1940’s or 50’s maybe I would be more tolerant of this behavior. In those days it was simply the norm for Dad to disappear at 8 AM and not be seen back at the house until after dark. This was typical especially within families that belonged to golf clubs. My grandfather, an accomplished orthodontist, had very little time to play on weekdays, but Saturday was his day to tee it up with friends. And Sunday became “Family Day”. There is an old joke that paints a great picture of that era:

A husband and wife wake up one early morning.  She is boiling tea, and he is reading the Saturday paper.  She coyly asks, “Are you playing today?”
He looks over at her with a sinister, devilish smile and says, “Golf Course or Intercourse?”
She replies, “I’ll go get your sweater”.

But I guess I don’t feel like a golf widow because I’m so busy that I just don’t have time to feel like a victim. In this day and age, both spouses work not only weekdays but on sometimes weekends as well. And their kids have so many more organized activities than ever before. It’s dizzying: soccer, lacrosse, swimming, dance, horse back riding, balloon making.  When Dad wants to play, he now plays early and is back at the house by 11am so he can go to the little league soccer game.

But now guess what?  Mom is playing golf too. She wants to work on her game just as hard as Dad.  Now, more than ever, women not only enjoy playing golf in their spare time but use it to do business as well.  But don’t get me wrong, golf has not replaced our inner need to shop and do the occasional 4 hour brunch with the girls (which can be longer that any 18 hole round of golf I assure you and sometimes more expensive).

Now, I think it is truly a great thing to have a passion for something.  Golf is great because it is man versus himself.  It is very personal, and very humbling. It is a game of practice and patience. The game of golf is very synonymous to life. It is a quiet game, and it’s not about muscle strength, so you don’t see players getting tested for steroid use. It’s a game where I can go out with my grandfather watch him shoot his age of 78 while he can watch me and my swing provide the comic relief on the course.

So the question then becomes how do you balance your love for sport with your family?  How do you broach the subject of feeling like a golf widow or widower and schedule more time for each other? I decided to bring this up with my husband.

So one fine day we were walking in Central Park. I started with a joke, the one above about the husband and the wife reading the paper.  He laughed and gave me a high five. All was going according to plan. As we were walking he stopped dead in his tracks to engage in the infamous “imaginary swing”. You know the one, where a person mentally selects his club from his bag, gets into position, grips and rips at the imaginary ball.  “Get in the hole!” I screamed, maybe even a little too loud as he took the shot.  My husband looked at me like I was nuts.  Okay, so I got a little excited.  It was time to breach the subject.  “Honey, do I look like a, I mean… am I a golf widow?” He laughed and sincerely proclaimed, “No honey, you’re my wife and I love you. I do play a lot… but I guess I can play earlier so I can come home to you by 1pm. Sound good?”  Wow, that wasn’t hard, and that sure was a good answer!

Not spending what you feel is not enough time with your loved one is only a problem if you do not discuss it.  If it is repressed then it will manifest itself in some other form like in your driving or while ordering fast food.  Being a golf widow is a state of mind, a perception.  Maybe I am a golf widow, but so what?  What if I like it?  I like golf because he likes it… and if it makes him happy, it can’t be that bad!  All you can do is discuss the matter and come to a reasonable resolution.

If you feel your loved one pays more attention to his/her putter than you, here are ways you can broach the subject of golf time vs. family time:

• Do not use “You” when talking about your feelings. Use “I”.
• Mood is everything - Do it while in a serene, pristine setting like a vineyard in Tuscany (hey, you can hope), a park, or a nice dinner at home.
• Do not do it in the middle of the Super Bowl, The Masters, or The U.S. Open. Or when any Bill Murray movie is on.
• Make the suggestion that they play earlier - It would probably be easier to get a tee time, and the course may not be as crowded. Then after they play, you can schedule a fun family activity.
• Set up a lesson with your loved one. Pick up a club and take a swing yourself. You never know, you might end up being a Club Champion one day!

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